Ready or Not..

This is the first time I've blogged about my beloved son Matthew Ryan Locsin Que or "Hewie" for short, since he became an angel in heaven last August 24, 2008. I gave birth to him at 6 and a half months old. Just like his dad, you couldn't stop him from moving a lot in my belly. He would have been almost two years old by now. But I'd like to think that God had other plans for me that day that's why he took him.. Mother's Day is nearing and I'd like to consider myself to be a mom just as well. Having gone through the process of a half term pregnancy and experienced the true pains of labor and child birth validates that. I'm also proud to say that it was even drug and epidural free. If only it was worth it. I hope that doesn't come out mean. I just wish that having gone through all that process, I'd be pushing a live baby. But it just wasn't. Pushing my dead son out only makes it a sad journey for me, Matthew and my darling husband. I could only wonder what it would be like if only I made it to full term and he lived? I'll never know now, will I? Until I try and go through it again. This is a blog I would like to broach on..

Aside from the fear that it may happen again, my selfishness is back. And what makes it even worse is having caught the PA's (panic attacks) like the flu to add to my history. These are all contributing factors to my apprehensions of getting pregnant and having a baby. My selfishness because I just started a job I love to do, and I want to at least give myself a year of experience for that. And my stupid PA's. What if it happens while I am pregnant and I pass on this negative energy to my child? My husband assures me that it wouldn't happen because the first time I was pregnant, I was at my calmest.

Honestly, I am also torn. I want to be here in my own home in Manila for a change. But then again, it doesn't seem to appealing when I am left to fend for myself, drive for myself, cook for myself, and eat by myself when Angel leaves for a tournament. My mother already has her excuses prepared so I would go to her instead in the province and she wouldn't have to fly here on my behalf. She doesn't trust me one bit and the choices I make. She also doesn't trust the doctors in Manila. She despises the hospitals and doctors for not caring and not being personal enough especially when they charge an arm and a leg. What she means to say is, she doesn't know anyone she can run to anytime of the day when something bad happens. I see her point. I really do. But I just wish for once that she would support the decisions I make. Why can't it be about me and someone to go along with me for a change. I need someone to be on my side and all I'm asking is for only nine months.

These thoughts are the ones that hinder me from being ready. These thoughts don't help me be ready. I know that no one is really that prepared for motherhood until its there. But all I'm asking is a little guidance, a little coaching along the way in helping me be ready for that day and telling me that everything will be alright.

My last night with Hewie... You are my little angel in heaven now my beloved son. Mama and Dada will always love you..

"Me" Time

Here I am and all alone again. There is an upside to being married to a professional golfer, but then again, also a downside. The downside would be, if I didn't tag along with him on his tournaments in other countries, the long and lonely week has begun. The days get even longer and lonelier when his tournaments follow week after week and next thing you know, a dreadful month it has been. I think five weeks straight was the longest my darling has ever been away. But when we are together, everything just goes by so fast. Time seems so little that I wouldn't have noticed that a month has already passed. Why couldn't it just be the other way around? Faster days when he is away and slower days when he is around?

I know it comes with his job, and by now you'd think I'd be used to it. Honestly, for almost 10 years of being with him and his work, I have never quite gotten used to it. As corny and cliche' as it may sound, I miss him even if it were just a day spent practicing with his golfing buddies and I'm not invited.. What can I say, I love having him around.

Good thing, I have kept myself busy nowadays. I am finally an instructor of what I love doing most and that is yoga. I teach part time because the studio knows that I travel mostly with my husband. And, I have recently discovered another passion which is writing and blogging. I do article writing for an online lifestyle magazine, and I love blogging about my light and daily inspirations, and you could say, my rantings in life (which I am doing now) as well. My blog also now include my travels. I know that I should have done this a long time ago, especially in places I have been to the first time, but I just had no idea how to get it started. Now that I do, I am slightly hooked. :)

But nothing quite fills the gap in my day like having my darling husband around. He just makes it more complete. I know that from time to time we do need our space, like my "me" time and "his" time, but I like filling that space with him around. I like doing things together with him. Eat, play golf, shop, watch a movie etc.. you think we'd still be "boyfriend-girlfriend." I cant help it. It's just the way it is. How I still feel when I'm with him is just like before when we were dating. Not as "giddy" as it used to be back then, but much deeper than that. I sure love where we are now, and how we are with each other. I hope this love and feeling will never go away for him and I, and will only go on until the end when death do us part...

To Mall Or Not To Mall

Going in it and going out of it... unending choices... A diversity of people giving off all sorts of energy. If not for eye candy, going to the mall is tiring and stressful for me now. People you bump into, people you dance "cha-cha" with, people that brush against you. Why do I put myself through it? What else can one do because almost everything is found and done in the mall? Maybe this outlook comes with age? Not that I feel old. At 30 something, I have been wanting different things now. Lately, I have been seeking out nature. I want to breathe fresh air, see more green, feel the sand on my feet, see a vast ocean perhaps. The place we live in now is but an urban jungle. All I see are buildings and endless construction everywhere. If I didn't have a goal to accomplish in the mall, I wouldn't be there.

Earlier as I was walking in the mall searching for my husband, I found myself in an arcade. Just being in there totally wiped me out. It was all unnecessary noise. I could see how the hastiness that exuded from the place made children, teens and even adults so restless , so hyper and so impatient. It was physically and emotionally draining. Because you could barely hear yourself and each other, I felt sorry mostly for the kids. It made me think that one day, when I have children of my own, I would not want them to be exposed to that kind of entertainment. I want them to experience the real deal and that is nature. I want them to do something productive for the summer so they could maximize their talent for anything. I want them outdoors running or doing a sport and not cooped up in a mall (and God forbid in an arcade.) I want them to read books to expand their minds and improve their imagination. I want them to enjoy life the healthy and happy way. Is this too much to ask nowadays?

The mall is fun to be in for a heck of a short time. But to experience the real fun is outside of it. Seek nature for a change I dare you.

My so called "Inner Demons"

I wish I did not have it. But it's there. Like I petulent child, I must give it notice. I could question myself all the time how this panic/anxiety attack came to be. But it's no use. It is already there and I must learn to accept that I have it. Accepting it and learning how to manage it is the only way to make it pass without so much stress. Fighting it means questioning it, pondering over it. It's like fighting the mind. But the more I do, it only gets worse. I am better at it now. With the help of a supportive husband, family, friends and teachers I am able to cope. I like to refer to it as PA's so I don't have to spell out the word and sometimes my PA's happen for no reason at all. And sometimes they do. They could be triggered by the things I see on t.v, or hearing something tragic. My mind automatically puts myself in the place of another: "what if it were me and it happened to the people I loved?" My mind would exaggeratedly identify with it to that point that I wouldn't be able to bear it. I shake my head to snap out of it or splash my face with really cold water to catch myself.
They used to ask me what it was that I am anxious or stressed about?.. I honestly cannot give them an answer because when I tell them I am not anxious or stressed at that moment about anything they would not understand. They would analyze every angle of it and tell me that it is all in the mind and that I should fight it. Indeed, our mind is a powerful thing. But to control its thoughts is not easy for all of us. I would rather have somebody on the same boat as me and we share each others experiences and "how- to-manage- guides." It would make me feel better to know that I am not alone in this. If not the same condition, then somebody who just understands and accepts it for what it is. But how would one understand if they have never had it? I am thankful that my husband is not affected by this and how he (and even my baby brother Boo) is willing to remind me of the things I need to do to manage them.
I don't know why these attacks happen. But I know when it is about to happen. It starts when my my mind starts turning inwards. I, all of a sudden start to feel and hear my own heartbeat amplified! I start to feel that I am maybe palpitating. I start to get dizzy; then my hands get clammy; and then I feel that my breath was short. I know that a PA is about to happen or is already happening. Also, when my body feels the slightest uncomfortable sensation also causes a PA to happen. The irony of it all is that, these sensations that I go through have happened in the past and my body just forgot because I was very unaware of them. It was easy to ignore back then because there were just more important things to do or to think about. Now, even if I keep telling myself that this has happened before, my mind doesn't seem to listen. The sensations feel like they were new and that they overwhelm me a lot.
The moment I start feeling this, I know a PA is starting. So just like my asthma attacks, when I know it is just about to happen I take my medicine. As for my PA I start managing "them" with natural ways that were taught to me. I find that it works.


These are the things I do now to help manage my so called "inner demons." I find that it also helps in keeping them at bay.

As soon as I realize I am having a PA:

1.) I splash my face with cold water.
2.) I rub my right elbow
3.) I tap my chest
4.) I self instruct. I tell myself that this is only temporary and it shall pass. You are not the only going through this. There are many out there with the same condition as you.
5.) I have an inner conversation with myself by giving myself affirmations, and force myself to notice other things besides myself.
6.) I remember to breathe. I do my nadishodana or alternate nostril breathing. It is a yogic breathing exercise to help calm my mind and body. When you focus on breath you control the mind.
7.) I pray to the Lord our God. I offer all my suffering to him.
8.) I breathe into a paper bag when I'm out of the house.
9.) I put my feet up against the wall. A pose called Viparita Karani. I do this if I feel a PA start to happen even at home, it brings a new calmness.

Keeping my PA's at bay:

1.) I watch feel good movies. Movies about romance and comedy. I do not indulge myself in thriller or horror movies anymore like I used to. Movies that don't have too much weighty content, but have light plots. Too much fluff, would just make me think too much. =)
2.) I try to stay away from being too full after eating. It feels like I have a hard time breathing and feel like my heart is over working.
3.) I stay away from all caffeine. That means, all coffees, dark chocolates and green teas. I allow myself a little chocolate from time to time but not as much and not as often like before.
4.) I try to stay away from being alone for a long time. I used to enjoy it a lot. But now, it helps to have people around to distract you from the "petty on-goings" of the mind.
5.) I try to keep busy by doing productive and fruitful things like practicing yoga, attending yoga workshops for continuous learning and new discoveries, playing golf, writing/blogging, shopping at bazaars, and doing household errands.
6.) I travel with my husband from time to time to experience new things and new places. Taking time out from my usual routine gives me something to look forward too.
7.) I stay away from places that have too many people. Like during weekends in a mall. The different kinds of energy from people could be quite overpowering and tiring. Avoiding small claustrophobic places helps too. But when on an airplane, I keep calm by keeping good thoughts, and do deep, mindful breathing. Sometimes when it's too much to handle at that moment, I take an antihistamine like Benadryl to calm me down.
8.) Reading self-help books and articles.



Writing about this means my acceptance. After experiencing this ordeal, I couldn't do much because I was afraid to trigger it (I still am sometimes). But my left brain is telling me that life goes on in spite of this . You cannot make this PA hinder you from living your life. In a way, I see this as some sort of blessing in disguise by God. It made me realize how important it is to make of today and that life is too short to be scared and unhappy all the time. The past is over and the future does not exist. It is also because of this that my spirituality has become stronger. I feel that this has brought me closer to our Lord God.

Moving on even if it means moving in baby steps. I will go as far as to what my mind and body can handle and see where it takes me, and then stop when it feels too much. After all, there is always tomorrow again.

P.S With regards to reading self-help materials, I stumbled on an article found on Good Housekeeping magazine which I would like to share. It was a topic on Worry Warts. Here are some of their helpful tips on keeping your fears, worries and anxieties at bay:

1. Mindfulness meditation. Focusing on observing your breathing without trying to control it. Imagine your worries floating down a stream on a piece of wood so slowly you can hardly see it moving. Don't try to influence it, just watch it gently drift. Visualization short-circuits the cognitive treadmill of worry.

2. Act unconcerned. Pretending that you are not worried can help make it so.

3. Focus on the day- to- day.

4. Don't catastrophize worry. Everyone worries. It's not the cause but it's your confidence on how to handle a certain situation that counts.

5. Practice problem solving. Make an effort to seek solutions when things seem hopeless.

6. Busy your brain. Distract yourself. As the saying goes, An idle mind is the devil's workshop. Watch feel good shows, movies, news and monitor the bad, negative, horrific ones. Watching too much bad news and such excacerbates worry.

7. Accept the possibility and get on with your life and mean it. The goal is to proceed to problem solving.

8. Spend time with a friend. If it helps, talking to someone with the same experience makes you feel better knowing that you are not alone.

The Know-it-all syndrome and the Arrogant Wise Guy

According to the free online definition for the Know-it-all, also known as a windbag, wise guy or wiseacre would be claiming to know all things or what is also referred to as a walking encyclopedia.
Arrogance on the other hand, means having an exaggerated self-opinion about everything. Having had the pleasure of experiencing such a character from the international people I have met through the years, these traits sure go hand in hand with each other.


As Part of my "detox" which is to manage letting go of bad thoughts and bad wishful thinking to the people who hurt or offend me (which I don't mean to but can't be helped at times) is to instead pour it all out in my blog. Hopefully when writing about it, it would serve as some form of release to get over it and move on. Also, by doing this, it will shed some light on how not having to be defensive and snapping back is sometimes a good thing. Let them make fools out of themselves. Maybe someday I would get that chance and get back at them with one great, witty remark to shut them all up.

I have encountered such people and it never just hits me right off the bat that they fall under this category. Could it be because I am a poor judge of character at that moment in time?
It is innate for us to have this intelligent ability to sense right and wrong, bad or good things. And it all comes from our gut. So, sometimes I sense something fishy in the beginning that this person is exhausting and heavy to be with or the opposite of that. But surely "my gut" not being that sensitive ignores this intuition until it hits me hard at face value. I have been aware of this for quite some time now, and I would really like to think that it is that good side of mine because it makes me a "non-judgmental," and sincere kind of person because I accept things as they are and without having to maliciously pass judgment to the people I meet. If it is indeed a good trait, it could also mean my downfall because people will tend to take advantage of me and outsmart me just as well.

I guess I am not that sensitive enough to sense fishy traits right away especially ones that are quite hidden in people at times. They are harder to read. They are the ones that catch you off guard because you didn't see them coming in the first place. I would like to call them the "sneaky ones." And there are some that are just downright and brutally obvious. It is much easier to handle them because you know that their bark is only worse than their bite and it's easier to snap an answer. It could probably mean a sign of insecurity. It's either that or they just don't care anymore whether they offend or hurt people. And there are the gabbers that blab on without having the slightest bit of what they are saying. It could also be a bad habit of theirs to break; and that is to speak before they think. It could also be that they just talk too damn much only for the sake of blabbering; you also have those types of people who just won't stop talking because they want you to know that they are knowledgeable of everything. I think they are the ones that are out to prove something, as if they knew so many things! And lastly, always putting their two cents worth in are the types of people that could just as well drain you. They have answers for just about anything and everything!!

I find it best now to just stay quiet and smile when encountering a know-it-all or arrogant person. Sometimes being agreeable at some point in a conversation keeps it light. So far, both work like a charm. Shutting them out by turning a deaf ear and still smiling and adding words in like: "yeah," or "really, I didn't know that," (and totally looking past his face) works just as great too. I realized that I don't need the added stress of having to chime in or getting all-defensive and sassing back especially if the topic is so impertinent. You would probably have a hard time a getting a word in edgewise anyway!

Slowly but surely on my part, I am learning more and more now to trust my gut feeling of a person. Sticking to my opinions of a first impression, it helps me guard myself from there.

During my many of experiences, when alighted upon a conversation with any of the blabbers I just mentioned, I know that I should have retaliated with a witty and "stomach blowing" comeback. But I didn't do so. Not because I was keeping silent. I wanted to say something but it didn't seem smart enough at that time to say it to put him at his place. That's what I regret the most. It's only after when I realize that I should have retorted this kind of remark. But then it’s okay also because, if I did say something, it may have just ended up hurtful and uncalled for instead. I know I would have regretted that big time too. Keeping quiet (and smiling and nodding from time to time) to let him run on and on about nothing would be the better choice. But I know that at the end of the day, my "should've, could've, would've reverie" would eat me up for awhile and I would end up practicing in front of the mirror for that snappy answer that could have been appropriate. But then again I ask myself, what for? The moment has passed and I should learn to let it go and move on. It was what it was.

Blogging about this perception is quite liberating and it does helps me ease up on those negative and uncalled for situations. It's like looking at it from a third party's point of view. It is quite clear now that in this world, you can't please everybody and they certainly cannot please you.