This is the first time I've blogged about my beloved son Matthew Ryan Locsin Que or "Hewie" for short, since he became an angel in heaven last August 24, 2008. I gave birth to him at 6 and a half months old. Just like his dad, you couldn't stop him from moving a lot in my belly. He would have been almost two years old by now. But I'd like to think that God had other plans for me that day that's why he took him.. Mother's Day is nearing and I'd like to consider myself to be a mom just as well. Having gone through the process of a half term pregnancy and experienced the true pains of labor and child birth validates that. I'm also proud to say that it was even drug and epidural free. If only it was worth it. I hope that doesn't come out mean. I just wish that having gone through all that process, I'd be pushing a live baby. But it just wasn't. Pushing my dead son out only makes it a sad journey for me, Matthew and my darling husband. I could only wonder what it would be like if only I made it to full term and he lived? I'll never know now, will I? Until I try and go through it again. This is a blog I would like to broach on..
Aside from the fear that it may happen again, my selfishness is back. And what makes it even worse is having caught the PA's (panic attacks) like the flu to add to my history. These are all contributing factors to my apprehensions of getting pregnant and having a baby. My selfishness because I just started a job I love to do, and I want to at least give myself a year of experience for that. And my stupid PA's. What if it happens while I am pregnant and I pass on this negative energy to my child? My husband assures me that it wouldn't happen because the first time I was pregnant, I was at my calmest.
Honestly, I am also torn. I want to be here in my own home in Manila for a change. But then again, it doesn't seem to appealing when I am left to fend for myself, drive for myself, cook for myself, and eat by myself when Angel leaves for a tournament. My mother already has her excuses prepared so I would go to her instead in the province and she wouldn't have to fly here on my behalf. She doesn't trust me one bit and the choices I make. She also doesn't trust the doctors in Manila. She despises the hospitals and doctors for not caring and not being personal enough especially when they charge an arm and a leg. What she means to say is, she doesn't know anyone she can run to anytime of the day when something bad happens. I see her point. I really do. But I just wish for once that she would support the decisions I make. Why can't it be about me and someone to go along with me for a change. I need someone to be on my side and all I'm asking is for only nine months.
These thoughts are the ones that hinder me from being ready. These thoughts don't help me be ready. I know that no one is really that prepared for motherhood until its there. But all I'm asking is a little guidance, a little coaching along the way in helping me be ready for that day and telling me that everything will be alright.
My last night with Hewie... You are my little angel in heaven now my beloved son. Mama and Dada will always love you..
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Here I am and all alone again. There is an upside to being married to a professional golfer, but then again, also a downside. The downside would be, if I didn't tag along with him on his tournaments in other countries, the long and lonely week has begun. The days get even longer and lonelier when his tournaments follow week after week and next thing you know, a dreadful month it has been. I think five weeks straight was the longest my darling has ever been away. But when we are together, everything just goes by so fast. Time seems so little that I wouldn't have noticed that a month has already passed. Why couldn't it just be the other way around? Faster days when he is away and slower days when he is around?
I know it comes with his job, and by now you'd think I'd be used to it. Honestly, for almost 10 years of being with him and his work, I have never quite gotten used to it. As corny and cliche' as it may sound, I miss him even if it were just a day spent practicing with his golfing buddies and I'm not invited.. What can I say, I love having him around.
Good thing, I have kept myself busy nowadays. I am finally an instructor of what I love doing most and that is yoga. I teach part time because the studio knows that I travel mostly with my husband. And, I have recently discovered another passion which is writing and blogging. I do article writing for an online lifestyle magazine, and I love blogging about my light and daily inspirations, and you could say, my rantings in life (which I am doing now) as well. My blog also now include my travels. I know that I should have done this a long time ago, especially in places I have been to the first time, but I just had no idea how to get it started. Now that I do, I am slightly hooked. :)
But nothing quite fills the gap in my day like having my darling husband around. He just makes it more complete. I know that from time to time we do need our space, like my "me" time and "his" time, but I like filling that space with him around. I like doing things together with him. Eat, play golf, shop, watch a movie etc.. you think we'd still be "boyfriend-girlfriend." I cant help it. It's just the way it is. How I still feel when I'm with him is just like before when we were dating. Not as "giddy" as it used to be back then, but much deeper than that. I sure love where we are now, and how we are with each other. I hope this love and feeling will never go away for him and I, and will only go on until the end when death do us part...