This is the first time I've blogged about my beloved son Matthew Ryan Locsin Que or "Hewie" for short, since he became an angel in heaven last August 24, 2008. I gave birth to him at 6 and a half months old. Just like his dad, you couldn't stop him from moving a lot in my belly. He would have been almost two years old by now. But I'd like to think that God had other plans for me that day that's why he took him.. Mother's Day is nearing and I'd like to consider myself to be a mom just as well. Having gone through the process of a half term pregnancy and experienced the true pains of labor and child birth validates that. I'm also proud to say that it was even drug and epidural free. If only it was worth it. I hope that doesn't come out mean. I just wish that having gone through all that process, I'd be pushing a live baby. But it just wasn't. Pushing my dead son out only makes it a sad journey for me, Matthew and my darling husband. I could only wonder what it would be like if only I made it to full term and he lived? I'll never know now, will I? Until I try and go through it again. This is a blog I would like to broach on..
Aside from the fear that it may happen again, my selfishness is back. And what makes it even worse is having caught the PA's (panic attacks) like the flu to add to my history. These are all contributing factors to my apprehensions of getting pregnant and having a baby. My selfishness because I just started a job I love to do, and I want to at least give myself a year of experience for that. And my stupid PA's. What if it happens while I am pregnant and I pass on this negative energy to my child? My husband assures me that it wouldn't happen because the first time I was pregnant, I was at my calmest.
Honestly, I am also torn. I want to be here in my own home in Manila for a change. But then again, it doesn't seem to appealing when I am left to fend for myself, drive for myself, cook for myself, and eat by myself when Angel leaves for a tournament. My mother already has her excuses prepared so I would go to her instead in the province and she wouldn't have to fly here on my behalf. She doesn't trust me one bit and the choices I make. She also doesn't trust the doctors in Manila. She despises the hospitals and doctors for not caring and not being personal enough especially when they charge an arm and a leg. What she means to say is, she doesn't know anyone she can run to anytime of the day when something bad happens. I see her point. I really do. But I just wish for once that she would support the decisions I make. Why can't it be about me and someone to go along with me for a change. I need someone to be on my side and all I'm asking is for only nine months.
These thoughts are the ones that hinder me from being ready. These thoughts don't help me be ready. I know that no one is really that prepared for motherhood until its there. But all I'm asking is a little guidance, a little coaching along the way in helping me be ready for that day and telling me that everything will be alright.
My last night with Hewie... You are my little angel in heaven now my beloved son. Mama and Dada will always love you..